Wow, this Fearless Friday topic was difficult. Really difficult. The amazing Megan Floyd chose the topic this week and it definitely was a soul searching one. Here is how Megan explained this week’s Fearless Friday:
Topic: “Fear, Banished” – I want to read about a fear you had before MTH that you’ve been able to kick to the curb since then. I’m thinking of things that we have been able to Action Step to accomplish, something that got less scary after a download session (or two or three), maybe even something that got better after turning down the volume on somebody toxic.
I spent a lot of time thinking about this one. Trying to come up with something. Anything. I mean, I had to have banished at least one fear right?! I HAD to have something to write about. I believe this thought actually crossed my mind: “I have to figure out a fear I banished; I HAVE to. It will be so embarrassing and pathetic if I don’t have something. I WILL find something.”
So I spent two weeks trying to force myself to find a fear I banished . . . or at least could CLAIM I banished.
Then it hit me. Why? Why do I have to find something? So what if i haven’t banished any fears yet? And admitting that to myself I think WAS, in and of itself, banishing a fear.
So that’s it folks. That’s the ugly truth. I have not banished anything since attending Making Things Happen in December. I left MTH with lofty goals and dreams, high hopes, and full of optimism. I’m not saying that I still don’t have all of those things, but life gets in the way and dreams are put aside and optimism flounders. I guess that’s life. So here I am 4 months later and feeling somewhat in the same place I was when I went to MTH. Except that I have a group of wonderful women to support me. And lift my spirits.
I was going to try and MAKE SOMETHING UP for this post. Force myself into finding a fear that I banished. But that wouldn’t be authentic. And I WANT to be authentic. And what’s wrong with still having my fears? They keep me alive. They keep me on my toes. But they also hold me back. So I am still working on getting rid of them, one at a time. But there is no time table for when this might happen. And I shouldn’t push myself into one. I’ve got to put my trust in God. And let Him determine my time table. I truly believe if I can try to let more things go that I have no control over and just live according to God’s will, that I will eventually banish my fears and fullfil my dreams. But that’s a lot easier said than done. So I’m working on it. Little by little.
I think this post was a good exercise for me. It pushed me out of my comfort zone. It pushed me to admit – publicly – that the spark that I had after leaving MTH has flickered a bit; that it’s not as bright; that I’m feeling overwhelmed and frustrated. But here I am, admitting that to the world. And you know what? It didn’t kill me. That fear that I’d look foolish or pathetic? Well, I DON’T look foolish or pathetic. I look authentic.
Hmmmm, look at that. I guess I banished a fear after all.
Head over to Natasja’s blog and see what fear she banished. And while you’re at it, check out my little man sleeping in his crib. LOVE HIM!